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Moving
Beyond the Shadow
Delivered by Dr. Bethanne Jacobson, December 5, 2004
At the
Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, New Bern, NC
Before we learn to speak, we think our true nature is to love and be happy, to explore and enjoy life. We think of little children as completely authentic. Their actions are guided by instinct and emotion.
As children develop, their understanding of who they are and who they can be comes largely from their family of origin and by their caretakers. There is an increasing awareness about the impact of families on personality formation. While it’s always been known that our families influence us, we have now discovered that the influence is far beyond what was imaged by our parents, grandparents, and the generations before them.
Much has been written about the family system for both the professional and the lay person. One only needs to browse through our local bookstore to see the breadth of Self-Help books focused on improving the way we feel about ourselves and how we interact with others. The selection can be overwhelming and perhaps undecipherable.
Do I look in the New Age section, Religion, Health, Psychology, or perhaps even Philosophy?
Topics also vary and range from: the exploration of the galaxy – as in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (It may sometimes be the other way around, I’m not quite sure), to mapping your family relationships based upon your astrological sign – as in the Astrology Made Easy series, to looking at gender patterns – as in The Invisible Web - Gender Patterns in Family Relationships, to How to DNA Test Your Family Relationships.
My personal understanding of the family system stems from the work of many pioneers in the field of family systems theory. Men such as Milton Erickson, Murray Bowen, and Nathan Ackerman come to mind as the fathers of this movement. Virginia Satir is considered the great mother of the movement with her focus on family communication. Today, I’m going to talk about my understanding of the multigenerational nature of the family system as outlined by John Bradshaw. His book, Bradshaw On: The Family, discusses his thesis that there is a crisis in society today and that is reflected in our families, a crisis in which we are cut off from our true selves. We learn to live behind masks and act out performances based on scripts we never wrote but were forced to live by.
I’m sure we all recognize that family systems look differently today than they did in past generations. I believe the onset of the women’s rights movement changed the family system forever, and, I am certain that I experienced life as a preteen far differently than my granddaughter will experience it. Today’s typical family does not always have a mother, a father, and 1.5 children. It may have two dads or two moms instead of the conventional male/female parenting relationship. The amount of single parent homes is always increasing. This has become all to clear to me as I work with the children at the Pamlico County Middle School. It is not uncommon to have a family of four children by three different fathers, multigenerations living in the same home, and children having children.
However, for today’s message I will be using this profile as my family system: a mom, dad, and four children. It is important to understand that my comments are generalizations, and that there are certainly exceptions to many of the scenarios introduced. I will also be using the term troubled to describe families whose interactions are less than harmonious. It is important to note that the research shows that the less than harmonious families constitute 80 to 90 % of today’s families. I am going to be talking about those families that are located closer to the end of the spectrum, where the difficulty results in a loss of identify and a loss of individual freedom and choice, the families where the difficulties are carried forward into each subsequent generation. The troubled family I am going to be talking about today revolves around some type of abusive, compulsive, or addictive behavior.
My early work experience focused on the families of drug and alcohol abuse, and this is where I first became interested in family systems. It is the general consensus of those that work in the addiction field that addiction is a family disease. I concur with that belief. Each member of the family is affected by the abuse or addiction. The range of abusive, compulsive, or addictive behaviors in modern society is awesome. Many feel the bubonic plague of today is compulsivity. Compulsivity effects our everyday lifestyle; how and what we eat; how and what we drink; our recreation; our occupation, our activities; our sexuality; and our worship. Abusive behaviors include sexual abuse, physical abuse, and mental and emotional abuse.
Our behaviors are modeled and set up by our families. We now understand that families are dynamic social systems, having structural rules, components, and laws that are mostly unspoken. The most important family rules are those that determine what it means to be a human being. Parenting forms the child’s core belief about themselves, and nothing could be more important. From our parents, we learn what is good or bad about ourselves, others, and society. Children are our cultures greatest natural resource, and the future of the world depends on our children’s conceptions of themselves. All their choices depend on their view of themselves. This self view is largely formed by what they see, feel, and experience within their own family of origin.
Each family system develops its own unique set of unspoken rules that tell each member how to act, how to feel, who is safe to talk to, and ultimately, who you can trust. For those who may have grown up in a family that is different from the “Leave It To Beaver” family, I hope to encourage a reevaluation of the cards that were dealt thereby creating opportunity for understanding, growth, change, and forgiveness. My work as a psychologist has convinced me that unless I know and understand the family system from which I came, I can’t understand my true self and the society in which I live. Unless I understand the family system from which I came, and work to change those behaviors that invite difficulty and pain in my present relationships, I am doomed to continue inflicting that pain on my own and the next generation through the very process of being a family. If we do not know our familial history, and understand the troubled areas, we are most likely to repeat it. In reference to today’s Responsive Reading – Children do indeed learn what they live.
So, the question becomes: How does it all begin? Families have a wide range of governing rules. There are financial, household, celebrational, social, educational, emotional, vocational, sexual, somal (how we care for each other in sickness and health), and parenting rules. Each of these rules has 3 aspects - attitudinal, behavioral, and communicational. Let’s look at an example. A household rule may be: Attitudinal – such as an attitude that the house should be clean each Saturday. A Behavioral rule might be that the dishes are cleaned after each use! And it is Communicated (the Communicational rule) to the child by dad. He verbally reprimands the child if dishes are not washed.
I’m going to ask you to take a moment and think about your own family of origin. What type of spoken or unspoken household rules applied? What happened when you fell in love with someone who did not have the same household rules as part of their internal message? Working out a compromise between each partner’s learned household rules is a major task in any marriage. Some partners are able to easily work out the compromise, while others are not. I have found through my work with couples that a difference within these 3 areas (Attitudinal, Behavioral and Communicational) may be the major contributor of family and/or partnered relationship difficulty. I normally begin by having each partner learn about the other partner’s family of origin, identifying the attitudinal, behavioral, and communicational differences. Ideally this is done before a life commitment is made, but rarely do couples come in for help before that time.
The core component of any family system is the relationship between the chief components of the family (i.e. the parental couple). In the troubled family, two very incomplete human beings come together, and attempt, but most often fail, to complete each other. In other words, you have two half people, each desperately looking to the other to meet his or her own unmet needs. This results in entrapment or enmeshment. They become bound to each other by mutual neediness. Power struggles and discontent occur when the couple is unable to complete each other or meet each other’s needs. So, they have a child in another attempt to remedy the discontent and fill the unmet needs. The parents cannot model good self-nurturing love because they have always looked to someone else to complete them. As a result, troubled parents reenact their own original pain on their children. Troubled families set up troubled children which set up troubled marriages. It becomes a cycle that can only be broken through awareness and change.
Family’s need many things to survive. They need a sense of worth, a sense of physical security or productivity, a sense of intimacy and relatedness, a sense of unified structure, a sense of responsibility, a need for challenge and stimulation, a sense of joy and affirmation, and a spiritual grounding. (Sounds like a tall order when it’s listed out like that!) This is not possible in the troubled family. It can only be accomplished if the parents are committed in a basically healthy relationship and are secure enough to parent their children without their own issues, or using a more up to date term, their own “baggage” getting in the way.
Like any system, the family system needs a structure or framework from which to operate. It’s not unlike many of the other systems that operate within our society. For example, when a company or other business system has an employee, that employee has a specific job title and job tasks. But let’s suppose the employee gets sick. The other members of the company take over that employee’s job or role until they return from sick leave.
The family system is the same. Everyone assumes different roles in order to allow the system to succeed or maintain balance. For example, if the mascot in the family were to leave the system (i.e. go off to college) other family members would have to increase their participation or decrease their needs. I recall a telephone call our grandson received from his brother shortly after he moved in with us. His brother was complaining because he was supposed to assume all of his responsibilities (in addition to his normal ones) in order to maintain the family homeostasis.
Family systems theorists have identified various roles that family members assume in order to maintain homeostasis with the family unit. Regardless of the difficulty or type of troubled behavior, the basic family unit would be compromised if other family members did not assume the roles or responsibilities. In themselves, roles are not bad, and as Shakespeare wisely pointed out, we all play many roles in our lives. However, the roles in the troubled family are different. They are not chosen or flexible. They are necessitated by the covert and overt needs of the family as a system. They function to keep the family in balance and meet the needs of the system.
Let’s take a look at the troubled family and the roles assumed by the various family members. The roles in this family include the Abuser, the Enabler, the Hero, the Lost Child, the Scapegoat, and the Mascot.
First, let’s look at the Abuser. It does not really matter what the abuse is…….. the parent could abuse food or alcohol, he or she could work obsessively, act out sexually, be religiously obsessive, or be chronically ill. The abuser is the core dysfunctional unit in the troubled family. Everything in the family system revolves around the abuser and meeting the abuser’s demands or needs. Most often the core feeling of the Abuser is shame.
The Enabler, most often the spouse of the abuser, works hard at keeping the secret and keeping the abuser from being identified. She takes on more and more responsibility as the abuse continues. The enabler is often neglectful of other family members because the focus is on her spouse and keeping the secrets. For example, she’ll phone into work and make excuses for the abusers absence. She makes excuses for missed appointments and prevents the abuser from suffering the consequences of the abuse. Her core feeling is anger, but you would not know that by looking as the enabler most often has smile on her face, hiding the hurt and pain, and pretending that nothing is wrong.
The Hero (or Caretaker) is one of the most important roles in the troubled family. For example, if dad (the abuser) is a workaholic and never home, one of the children will be mom’s emotional support. This is one of dad’s roles that is not being filled because of the abuse. The system needs someone to fulfill the emotional needs within the partnership for balance. If the family system has no warmth because Mom is too busy taking care of dad, this child may become the emotional caretaker and will be warm and loving to everyone. This role is also important in giving the family system a sense of dignity. They provide self worth to the family and someone of whom to be proud. Despite the importance and the value of the role, the caretaker/hero’s core feelings are inadequacy or quilt. They are often seen as over achievers with a core belief that they have to do everything right because it is their responsibility to keep the family together. These three (the abuser, the enabler, and the caretaker/hero) form a triangle and are the core family unit.
If the system is filled with unexpressed or repressed anger and pain, one child will become the Scapegoat (or the Rebel) and act out all the anger and pain. He takes the focus off the troubled individual (Abuser) and becomes the focus of the family. In a sense he is a distracter and takes the heat or blame for the family difficulties. Family members will find it easy to say, “Look what he’s done!” rather than focus on the real problem (the abuser). He is often brought into therapy by the parents as the identified patient. Although the Scapegoat’s true feeling is hurt, the outward presentation is delinquency and self destruction. He is the member of the family that is most likely to become an abuser himself.
The Lost Child (Perfect Child) is somewhat of a loner or daydreamer. She is often quiet and shy. She provides a sense of relief to the family, (i.e. “At least that’s one kid we don’t have to worry about!”). The Lost Child’s core feeling is loneliness. Despite being socially isolated and perhaps shy, this child is usually affected the least by the trouble within the family.
The Mascot provides comic relief, fun and humor. He is often hyperactive, immature, anxious, or has a learning disability. Perhaps he is the class clown. The Mascot’s core feeling is fear but the outward presentation is to cover that fear with comic relief. Often this child will experience a life of emotional illness. However, many comedians, such as Jim Carey, come from troubled families and have transferred their childhood role as a Mascot into a profession.
This is just one example of how the roles assumed by family members are not always bad. There are many examples of individuals using the skills they learned growing up in a troubled family to lead companies, work for the rights of others, and help those in need. Many CEO’s have been the Lost or Perfect Child. Many Caretakers make great leaders or peace makers; they marry, and raise wonderfully secure children. Many enablers are the highly functional counselors and psychologists once they have worked through the issues associated with their role. Growing up in a trouble family teaches skills that are never learned by going to college or on the job. They learn valuable survival skills, self reliance, and independence.
In every case however, the person playing the role in the troubled family, gives up the freedom to explore other personas. This is the fate of each person in the troubled family. Each person unknowingly gives up personal freedom because of the need to assume a role in keeping the family together. How many of us even knew we had options that differed from what our parents were telling us? How many of us, particularly women in my generation, were told that their role following high school graduation was to marry and have children. In a sense keeping the multigenerational idea of what makes up a family alive. For many of those women, the idea of college was not even considered.
You may be asking yourself,”How do we begin to fix this?”, “Why doesn’t the community, peers, or our schools have a stronger influence on the troubled families?” The reason is simple. Troubled families have built up rigid, inflexible boundaries or walls around themselves. Troubled families often have 3 basics rules that include; don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. First and foremost, you don’t talk about what goes on in the family with anyone outside of the family, and sometimes even with other family members. It is not uncommon for me to work with adults who were sexually abused as children and only recently learned that a brother or sister were also abused. Most often, the troubled family is shame based and the roles are assumed in order to protect the family. Shame is the feeling of being flawed or worthless. It demands that one hide and live in secret. It is this shame and the secrets that facilitate the roles and keeps the system closed and the boundaries rigid. We see this most vividly when we look at incest in families. There is a shared secret and a shared denial or delusional thinking that this can’t be true!
The second rule – Don’t trust – is learned through experience. Trusting requires allowing oneself to be vulnerable. Children from troubled families cannot afford to be vulnerable. Too many promises have been broken throughout the troubled child’s life to let someone in. They grow up being told not to tell anyone what is going on – which then grows to mean – you can’t trust anyone outside of the family. If you can’t trust your parent or other family member to protect you, you can’t trust anyone. A clear example of this happened just this week with a young girl I am working with who has accused an older brother of sexual abuse. She was petrified to tell me, fearing that I would tell her mother. She reported that her mother had told her not to tell anyone. And, that if she told, the family would no longer be allowed to stay together. I expressed to her my sorrow, but indicated that I had to tell social services and that it would probably be best if I told her mother. Later that day the student went to a teacher threatening suicide. I called the mother and informed her that I had to report the alleged abuse and expressed my concern about the suicidal threats. The mother denied the accusations and became very angry, reporting that the student was lying and had done this repeatedly in the past. The next day, the student came to school and was overheard telling another student about being physically beaten by her mother the night before. She met with the Guidance Counselor who saw evidence of the abuse and social services was again called. The student and I have developed a close relationship she put her trust in me and told me her secret. “Telling” broke the family rules, and “trusting” resulted in the most extreme of punishments. I won’t find out the results of the interventions until Monday, but I now wonder – What will happen to the trust?
Finally, the Don’t Feel rule is just a matter of self protection. Feelings are often hurtful. So, in order to limit the amount of hurt you become physically numb. Children from troubled families often deny their feelings, and they most likely wouldn’t know how to express those feelings even if they had them. For most children from troubled families they learn early on that feelings aren’t acceptable. They get in the way of survival and being safe. Too often feelings are met with further abuse and result in isolation from other family members.
Sadly, a majority of troubled families continue the compulsive, abusive, or addictive behavior from generation to generation. The systems remain closed even when the children grow up and marry. Most often the Scapegoat will become the Abuser. The Hero/Caretaker will marry an abuser and become the Enabler. This pattern is easiest to see when we talk about the hero/caretaker. If you remember what I talked about when I described the individual roles, the hero/caretaker keeps the family together, and they fill the emotional voids and provide a sense of dignity. What better training is there than that for the role of an enabler. Adult children from troubled families are attracted to other adult children from other troubled families. They are attracted to what is familiar because they have so much in common. But, there is hope for change.
The major factor that assists adult children to move beyond the shadow of the troubled family is awareness; an awareness about the abuse and troubled nature of the family. You have to allow new information in and break the cycle if change is to occur. Only through awareness does the child from a troubled family have the possibility of transforming and changing their life. It begins with developing an awareness of all the self-limiting, fear-based beliefs that make one unhappy. In a sense, this is like taking an inventory. The most difficult part throughout this process for the child from the troubled family is breaking the rules; rules that have controlled their feelings and emotions for a long period of time. Breaking the rules means talking about what happened, trusting others to help you along the way, and opening yourself up to new and unexplored feelings.
In many cases change requires leaving home. You leave home by giving up the scripts and rigid roles. The roles that have been played have continued out of loyalty to the troubled family systems. Leaving home may mean actually separating from the family system. If you stay – you may not ever recognize the harmful effects, as you are not exposed to anything different. Often when children go away to college they begin to realize that there was something wrong in the family of origin. They begin interacting with students who experienced life differently and they begin questioning their own experiences. College counseling centers are full of children from troubled families trying to make sense out of there experiences. If the child from the troubled family can see their experiences through another person’s eye, they begin to realize the choices that are before them. Only by leaving and becoming separate can they have a chance of making a choice to eventually have a relationship with other family members. If they stay there is no choice.
Change is also about feeling. It is about allowing the feelings, so well guarded up to this point, to finally be expressed. It’s about opening a box, or a core part of you, that has been closed for a very long time. It’s about being vulnerable and letting go of control. To let go of the need to control and to feel safe enough to express true feelings is a most difficult task for children from troubled families. It’s about modifying behaviors so the ego defenses are no longer necessary. The expression of feelings often begins by developing compassion for oneself, and by no longer being frightened by who you are or what you have experienced.
Finally, and I believe most importantly, change is about forgiveness. Forgiveness is the only way to be truly free and heal the pain of the past. We can forgive because we can now feel compassion for ourselves. Forgiveness allows us to let go of the resentment and declare, “That’s enough! I will no longer be a victim!”
The process of forgiveness begins with you. It begins with the recognition that as a child growing up in a troubled family, you did the best that you could. Once you forgive yourself, the self rejection in your mind is over and self-acceptance begins. The inaccurate messages received as a child can be dispelled. That’s the beginning of the free human.
Only then can we begin the process of forgiving others. Forgiving others allows you to let go of the anger and the pain that keeps one stuck in the role of victim. We need to forgive our parents, our brothers, our sisters, our friends, and, for many of us, God. I recall one of Alice’s recent sermons contained the Biblical phrase, “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. If you have gotten anything out of today’s message, I hope I have allowed you to understand the multigenerational nature of troubled families. Adults from troubled families respond to others in the same way they were responded to as children. As parents, most have done the best that they knew how to do.
You will know you have forgiven someone when you see them and you no longer have a strong negative reaction. You will hear the name of the person and you will have no emotional reaction. When someone can touch upon what used to be a wound and it no longer hurts, you know you have forgiven. Forgiveness is the key to moving beyond the shadow of the troubled family.
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