The Four Agreements
Delivered by
Peter Freeman, November 14,, 2010
At the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, New Bern, NC
Today I want to share
with you my experiences with Don Miguel Ruiz’s book “The Four
Agreements ." As I revisited this work in preparation for this
presentation, I found that there is now a fifth agreement. I think the
four agreements fell off the best seller list, and Don Miguel needed an
excuse for another best seller. I have not read the new book and will not
try to deal with it here.
At a church I attended
in Cincinnati, the minister gave four sermons on consecutive weeks, one on
each of the four agreements. Small groups read and discussed the book each
week, and the whole thing culminated in a day long workshop with Don
Miguel. This experience had a major impact on my journey of personal
growth and in shaping my world view.
This is some of what I
got from this experience.
My world view
There are three great
questions in life-
Why are we here ?
How should we live ?
What happens when we die ?
The four agreements
try to help us answer the second question how should we live
Heaven and hell are
here on earth. We all live somewhere on a spectrum from heavenly bliss, to
hellish suffering. The most important area that impacts on our position on
this spectrum is the quality of our relationships, with friends,
significant others, and most importantly our relationship with ourselves.
Where we are on that
spectrum, and how well our relationships work, is entirely due to our own
thoughts, beliefs and agreements. It has nothing to do with what is going
on with the world, what is happening to us, or what the people we are in
relationship with are doing.
We cannot change the
world, or other people. We can only change how we react to the world.
An analogy that
appeals to sailors is - You cannot change the wind, you can only change
the way you trim your sails. Trimming your sails well gives you a pleasant
fast voyage to your destination, and can even win some races for you
occasionally!
Sail trim is a skill
that can be learned through teaching and practice. Reacting most
effectively to the world can be learned through teaching and practice
The four agreements
are a way of helping us trim the sails of life, improve the way we react
to the world and move us toward bliss and away from suffering.
In the beginning was
the word, and the word was god. I like this definition of god much more
than that in the world religions.
Most scientists agree
that development of language started about 100,000 years ago, just a blink
in the 13 billion years of the existence of the universe.
Homo sapiens was the
first species to have a brain with the capability to develop a
sophisticated language. It was this sophisticated language ability that
differentiated homo sapiens from the rest of life, and I would argue that
language was the basis for consciousness, culture, and civilization. I
know many of you will argue that animals have language too. They do, but
it is extremely simple, not enough to enter kindergarten, let alone get a
Ph D in philosophy.
This differentiation came with a price. When animals make a mistake they
only suffer once. Humans when they make a mistake can suffer guilt remorse
and regret for the rest of their lives.
We are all familiar
with the little voice in our heads that is continually, and forever,
giving us advice, and telling us what to do. Usually bad advice on the
wrong things to do. This little voice could not exist without language.
Language enables thoughts like guilt, remorse, and regret, to exist. This
conversation with ourselves is the root cause of all the suffering we
impose on ourselves.
The four agreements
impact on my personal growth
The four agreements
are one of many ways to change the conversation with ourselves, and
improve our lives. I have found using the four agreements to be one of the
most effective ways to improve my own life, and help me improve the lives
of my coaching clients.
The lizard brain
continues to exist under the level of the conscious, sophisticated
language using human frontal cortex. The lizard brain is the source of
greed, envy, lust, jealousy, anger, and all the other deadly sins, and
dysfunctional emotions that we continually have to attempt to overcome
with our intellectual brain. This conflict is the source of all the
problems we have in doing what we know is best for us.
Fear of not being good
enough causes us to put on a mask that we think will please others. We are
afraid to be ourselves.
It is frightening to
challenge our own dysfunctional agreements like ‘I’m not good
enough.” We have lived with them so long, and been indoctrinated with
them from childhood.
Making some new
agreements helps us move forward with our lives.
The first of the four agreements is - Be impeccable with your word -
Be impeccable with your word.
Impeccable means
without sin. Sin in this sense is anything that goes against yourself. The
agreement is to never use words that go against yourself.
Words are very
powerful. Using words is how you manifest everything, and create the
events in your life. The word can set you free or enslave you. The word
can bring you happiness or misery. Some words cannot be unsaid. Those
words once uttered can have a lasting damaging effect on your
relationships with others, and with yourself
Being impeccable with
your word is about how you relate with the people that are significant in
your life and, most importantly, how you relate with yourself.
Being impeccable with
your word means not saying or believing things that go against yourselves
that simply are not true like I’m not good enough. It means not saying
things that would damage your relationship with others. Everyone is
imperfect. We have to accept ourselves as the imperfect beings we are,
just like we have to accept the wind. We can trim our sails, and improve
our lives, by altering the conversation we have with ourselves. We can
challenge the little voice that we always hear in our head when it is
saying negative things about ourselves that are not true.
Being impeccable with
your word is about taking responsibility for your actions, but not blaming
yourself when you make less than perfect choices.
The second agreement is - Don’t take anything personally- Don’t
take anything personally
It’s not about you.
Everybody else is doing their own thing for their own personal reasons in
accordance with their own beliefs and agreements which are probably quite
different from yours. What others do is not intended to hurt you or impact
you in any other way.
When we see others for
who they are, and know and love who we are, nobody can hurt us. We can ask
for what we want without fear of rejection.
We can say yes or no
to what we really want and never be hurt.
What causes us to be
trapped is belief in our personal importance. It’s all about Me Me Me.
You take it personally
because you agree with whatever is said.
If you say to me Peter
that presentation was awful ! It won’t bother me, I know it’s good. If
you don’t get it that’s your problem!
If somebody says Peter
you are stupid. I don’t take it personally. I know I am not stupid. The
truth is that person has tried to send me poison, but I’m not going to
eat it. Taking it personally makes you easy prey for any ones negativism.
The third agreement is - don’t make assumptions don’t make
assumptions
Making assumptions is
probably the biggest damager of relationships. This is the agreement that
I personally have the most trouble keeping. I tend to assume the worst,
then think that whatever the truth is will be a pleasant surprise. This is
the worst kind of dysfunctional thinking.
We assume our partner
knows what we want, and get upset when they do not give it to us.
We assume our partner knows what we think, and get upset when they do not
read our minds.
We assume the intent of our partners actions or inactions as being
something that is detrimental to us.
When we believe something , we assume we are right, to the point that we
will destroy relationships to defend our position..
We assume everybody sees the world the same way we do and cannot
understand why they interpret events differently.
We are afraid to show who we really are because we assume that the real us
would be judged negatively.
We enter relationships assuming that we will be able to change somebody,
and are disappointed when we can’t.
Instead of just making
assumptions, ask questions, and find out if your assumptions are true.
The fourth agreement is - always do your best - always do your best.
Our best will vary
depending on our health and energy. Our best may not be very good,
especially when we are tired or sick. This does not matter. If we always
do our best whatever that best might be at the time, there will be no
reason for us to feel guilty ,or blame ourselves for our actions.
There are some things
that each of us are just not very good at. That is the way we are, accept
it and be OK with it.
Never try to do more
than whatever your best is in a particular task or circumstance. That just
leads to frustration exhaustion and failure.
The good news is that
as you practice the first three agreements your best will get better.
Don’t expect to get
it right all the time. As we try to be impeccable with our word, we will
frequently fail. As we try not to take it personally, we will frequently
fail. As we try not to make assumptions, we will frequently fail. As we
try to always do our best we will frequently fail
Incorporating the four
agreements into your life takes practice. Persevering, and accepting your
lack of perfection, and keeping on working on the four agreements will
slowly improve your relationships with others, and more importantly with
yourself. Slowly you will move a little nearer to heaven.
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